Guilt and Grief: Making A Living Amends

Notice the words “right to resentment” and “underserved qualities” in there? It is about what we do despite that wrongdoing, “abandoning our right to resentment . . . “. Making amends does not undoing the wrongdoing, just as forgiveness what is alcoholism doesn’t undo the wrongdoing.

• Each person’s experience of addiction and recovery is unique.
• Tragic events happen every day, and in ways we least expect.
• This is where a 12-Step “sponsor” or even a counselor’s feedback could be helpful in checking your motivation.
• If you have devoted the necessary time and energy to the first 8 steps, you should have a solid foundation from which to approach making amends in Step 9.
• Some people will be easier than others to approach due to the relationship you have with them, how close you live to them, or other factors.

For Treatment Providers

If you’re familiar with substance use recovery and 12-step programs, the idea of “living amends” might ring a bell. When you cannot directly make up for something to the person you hurt, a living amends is a decision to change your ongoing behavior in a way that is informed by the wrongdoing. Your ‘living amends’ is living in a way that that acknowledges the previous mistake by consistently living in a way that doesn’t repeat it or compensates for it. Living amends is a concept linked to addiction recovery and part of the twelve-step program for sober living. In simple terms, it means taking responsibility for the person you used to be and how you caused harm to the people in your life who care about you.

Resentments and Forgiveness

To make amends, you must do more than just make apologies for your past behavior. Instead, making amends means you apologize for what you’ve done and make it right. Similarly, making living amends means you completely change the way you live and remain committed to that lifestyle. Many people think of making amends as simply apologizing for whatever wrongs they did in their using, however an apology is not an amend. An amend involves rectifying or making right what was wrong. For example, say that you stole $20 from your brother while you were using.

Be generous with your time.

Recovery is about aligning your actions with your intentions, which often did not match during the time period of your active addiction. It’s important to note that making amends is for the person we hurt. Yes, we partake in the process to “clean up our side of the street,” but we do not make amends to clear our conscience or undo our feelings of guilt. If someone does not want to hear from us, we respect that and do our best to move forward with our recoveries. Step Nine states that we make amends “except when to do so would injure them or others.” We don’t want our actions to cause further damage, harm or stress. In those cases, we can make amends in a broader sense by taking actions like donating money, volunteering our time or providing care.

• In these cases, making amends can involve helping people more generally, such as volunteering or donating money to a specific cause.
• Instead, making amends means you apologize for what you’ve done and make it right.
• Working through Step 9 allows you to move forward, regardless of how others respond.
• It’s important to respect their boundaries and not force the interaction, as this could potentially cause further harm.

Navigating the Process of Making Amends in Recovery

Making a living amends involves apologizing to your loved ones that you hurt and using your actions to prove you have changed and are committed to living a healthier and sober lifestyle. Living amends involve ongoing actions that demonstrate a commitment to recovery and behavioral transformation. Unlike direct or indirect amends, which might be one-time actions, living amends involve actively demonstrating changed behavior over time to show accountability for past actions. This can include improving relationships through positive interaction, such as spending more time with loved ones. Addiction is a complex and pervasive disease that extends far beyond the individual struggling with substance abuse.

How Soon Do I Start to Make Amends Once I Am Sober?

I don’t punish them with silence (although I did do that in the past). Avoid initiating a conversation if the other person is distracted or upset by something unrelated. If possible, schedule a time to speak with them in advance to prepare for the conversation. I know I said it once, but I’ll say it again – if you are dealing with guilt and you haven’t read the articles above, now is the time. We go back to a moment in time and we fixate on the things we wish we had done differently. It makes it what is a living amends hard to remember things that happened before or after.

Today I am working on (the behaviors noted above) by ___________________. If there’s anything I can do today to make things right, please let me know. My only goal right now is to acknowledge the harm I caused and do what I can to make amends, if that’s possible. As a part of my recovery process, I have reflected on my behavior and realized that I have hurt you in the past though my___________.